What, I don't look Russian to you?

Kakaia ironiia (what irony)

Yesterday evening, in an impulsive moment conspicuous consumption, I decided that I was not fashionable enough for Moscow.

Russian women (unlike most Russian men) - especially young women, dress extraordinarily well. Now what I mean by well, does not necessarily refer to American standards of fashion, but crazy European-runway wacked-out standards of fashion. Pointed-toe high heel shoes are taken a new extreme here. And I'm still trying to figure out how these tall, skinny Russian women turn into squat, sturdy babushki who are only like 4 feet tall.

Now I'm not a follower of the latest trends in the states, but I'm not incompetent either. I dress conservatively, and boringly most of the time because its confortable, but I've tried to make the button down shirt part of my own style. When packing for this trip, I took into account what I knew of Russian fashion, and threw in the club outfit or two that I knew would come in handy eventually. And I brought several business dress outfits as well, for the archives, meetings etc. I did not however include my flare leg hoochie mama jeans which I rarely wear anymore anyway, because they make me feel like I'm 16, in a bad, not good way. I should have brought them. So my comfy but perfectly presentable jeans in the states are a mockery here. And Russians don't wear khakis because the streets are too dirty, so my grey pants are only good as long as the weather is. So that left me with 2 everyday functional paris of pants....

I knew what I had to do.

Terranova, some Italian boutique on my block that is reasonably priced was having a sale. I'll go try on jeans there. Italians apparently only come in XS, S, M, L, and they are all 6 feet tall, so I could even get the pants up passed my butt. I'm serious. They didn't even get in the vicinity of my butt. Heather M. these are your kind of pants. Ha ha ha. I guess Russian women don't have thighs like normal people, because several other stores only sold jeans of this variety.... but I've seen Russian women with normal thighs like mine. But stopping them on the street and asking them where they buy their clothes is just not something I'm up to right now.

And suddenly! I spy the Levis store. They have all sorts of different styles. Nevermind I came all the way to RUSSIA to buy Levis in a store. This is the irony. So, I swallowed my pride and told the sales guy, in Russian "look, I have a little waist, but I have thighs and a butt - find me some pants" There was some gesturing to my rear end region during this exchange. He said, yes, I understand. He looks at my waist, and declares me to be a 26. Now maybe my natural waist is a 26 or smaller, but not my hips, which all pants are cut for these days. After barely squeezing into a few styles, I convince him I am a 28. At least Levis has leg lengths, so I get the right size there. My new jeans are tight, so tight, they're practically support hose for the thighs, with a lovely dye pattern that must be popular in the former Eastern bloc. They're really quite fashionable, and once I get some high heels (just kidding) I too, can be a Russian hoochie mama when the occasion calls for it. I can't gain a single pound though!

I'm not going to tell you how much I paid for them. It was a crime. I"m going to be doing some local community service in the form of giving spare change to old ladies on the street for some time to come.

Levis in Russia. Jesus.